Schumacher and Mpho's garden wedding

Congratulations Phathu Makwarela – finally a bloodless wedding

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For normal people, the chiming of wedding bells evokes feelings of joy, love and perhaps envy. But for the writing twosome of Gwydion Beynon and Phathu Makwarela, weddings mean blood and broken bones. These two have made it a habit to kill or maim someone at every wedding on The Queen. In the pilot episode, the patriarch, Mzi Khoza is killed at Keabetswe’s wedding. Makoti, Lindi was the next wedding day casualty, meeting her ancestors seconds after Shaka Khoza slipped a ring on her finger. Shaka found love a second time, with Mmabatho; his wedding blew up – literally. Gift Mabuza and Roy Maake were killed in a river boat explosion. Siyanda, in her bridal gown, was comatose for months, after foolishly attempting to defy gravity from the first floor balcony. So anyone would be forgiven if they expected Mpho’s garden wedding to turn into another crime scene.


Vuyiswa bows out in style

After a month long saga which culminated in Vuyiswa arresting Derrick for multiple cases of rape, it was both poetic and most fitting that Lieutenant Jola-Maake personally made this capture, having been one of the perpetrator’s victims. Last week, Vuyiswa took time off work to visit family. Making a parting joke, Vuyiswa warned Thato and Jackal that she better find her house intact on her return. A lot of truths are said in jest. No sooner had Vuyiswa left than Jackal and Thato got themselves into unnecessary trouble.

Phusha Investments reloaded?

An old friend of Jackal (Solly) arrived at the Corner House. He showed off a shiny red Mercedes Benz, purchased, he claimed, from a thriving business. Jackal’s friend, Solly – real name Elliot Makhubo – gave him a sample of the Pfuka immune boosting juice that had put him in the lap of luxury. Jackal began to suffer typical mid/late life regrets. While his friend was running a successful business, there he was working for his own son at a little diner with zero rating. Jackal would later strike a new low in confidence when Solly took him out with a pair of slay queens. When Jackal thought he was about to get lucky, his companion demanded R20,000 for her services. Jackal should have walked away because no sex is worth twenty grand! But the promise of a life of expensive sex appealed to him. He wanted what Solly has. The old friend invited him to invest in his juice business and Jackal in turn invited Thato. And because herd mentality, he too mobilised investors who came in the form of Patronella – against her husband’s advice – Noma and  Georgina. Fearing the possibility of a scam, Mjekejeke also tried to dissuade his daughter but Georgina, to hell with cop instincts, told him she had “researched the business” and swore on its legitimacy. This certainly has the aroma and taste of a Phusha scam. It will end in lots of wet Kleenex.

A home affairs marriage

Fearing for Thando’s constant meddling – and also concerned that his infidelity would get discovered before he had secured his financial future – Schumacher talked Mpho into a rushed marriage at Home Affairs. The couple surprised the Sebata family with a signed, sealed and dated marriage certificate. It was official; Mr and Mrs Toto. Hector was shocked. Thando was nauseous. Mpho ecstatic. Schumacher in the money. But the doting dad, Hector, who had tried to talk Mpho into a long engagement had no option but to support his daughter. Wedding plans soon began.

Thando makes last ditch attempt

There was no way Thando would allow Mpho to proceed with the wedding. She offered Schumacher a little pile of cash to go away, but he did not fall for the bait. Schumacher knows that there is a lot more money in the Sebata purse. She then approached Thato for assistance. At Thando’s behest, Thato pulled Schumacher’s secret lover, Sipho, back to work even though he had the day off. Fellow gold digger, Siyanda found out about Thando’s attempt to excavate dirt on Schumacher. She quickly rang her friend and Schumacher intercepted Sipho. Being the sweet talker that he is, Schumacher convinced Sipho into denying everything. When Thando asked Sipho to help her break up Schumacher and Mpho, he denied the affair leaving her to go home to a bottle of comfort wine and chest pains.

Wedding bells

What do you do when your big brother is getting married? Travel all the way from Vereeniging to Joburg of course. Schumacher’s brother Buntu (real name Phila Madlingozi) was present and took the role of best man. But Mpho had to prepare for her wedding without her big sister’s support. Come to think of it, she did not even have a maid of honour. Not even a mannequin doll stood beside her as proxy for a maid of honour!

With the bride in her wedding dress and all the guests seated, Thando was reclined in the living room sofa, sipping on a glass of Misery wine, 2020 vintage. The wedding not only brought out Thando’s melancholy but it also brought the Khozas out of hiding. Harriet, Kagiso and Brutus, who hadn’t featured during the long running rape saga, sat with the other guests.

When the priest, in keeping with tradition, invited last minute objections from anyone in the audience, nobody stood up. Until Thando walked in. Suspense. Beating hearts. Bulging eyes. Finally, on Hector’s insistence, Thando sat down, allowing the first drama-free wedding on The Queen to reach its climax; you may kiss the bride. Perhaps Schumacher had abducted Gwydion and Phathu because it is not like them to allow a wedding ceremony to unfold  without any broken bones.

Zenande Mfenyana returns

The Misery wine must not have been doing it for her. So Thando went to the Blue Moon Lounge where she soaked herself in tequila. Shaka found her drinking alone. He offered to be her shoulder to cry on. But she turned him down. One more tequila later, Thando reconsidered. She opened up to him about Mpho making the biggest mistake of her life. Could this be the beginning of a reunion between Shaka and Thando?

Speaking of reunions, the morning after the wedding, there was a knock on the Khoza mansion front door. Kagiso led the way to the front entrance with Brutus, Harriet and Shaka in his wake. There at the door stood Goodness Mabuza with babe in arms putting to rest all the rumours about Zenande Mfenyana having been “fired from the show”. Fade to black, roll film credits.

Recycled ideas

I have tried very hard to remember the last time that my entire family woke up, all at once – parents, children, uncle – to see who is at the door. Oh sure, it creates drama, all those pairs of eyes staring at Goodness. But must we keep seeing the Khozas in pyjamas, responding to a knock at the crack of dawn? Remember Kamina’s arrival at the gate, remember too when Bhekumuzi Khoza was discovered by the whole family with a girl in the kitchen and that time Hector Sebata pounded on the door at dawn and all the pyjama clad Khozas rushed with pistols cocked? Dramatic yes, but enough of it now.

And here is something else that has been used before. Phusha Investments; the pyramid scheme racket which left Sbonga owing Mam Sonto thousands of rands on Gomora, a show also scripted by the same writers. It seems Gwydion and Phathu weren’t abducted after all. They were out photocopying story ideas from their other script in Gomora so that they could reuse it on The Queen. Sigh.

Meanwhile the anti Thando Duma twitter sentiment continued. These hostile viewers didn’t even care that it was her wedding day, shem.

Till next week, my pen is capped


The Queen airs weekdays at 9:00pm on Mzansi Magic and is also available on Showmax

Images from Twitter

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