The scriptwriters of the Ferguson Films production, The Queen must be going for the Guinness world record for wedding sabotage. Jointly, the interracial, little-and-large duo of Phathu Mwkwarela and Gwydion Beynon has wrecked numerous wedding days on The Queen, Gomora and The River. So nobody, absolutely nobody, was surprised to hear gunfire rather than the flapping of doves and the chime of Here Comes the Bride.
A romantic marriage proposal
It must have been reunion euphoria, or maybe love, that drove Kagiso to an unexpected and rather hasty marriage proposition. A fortnight ago, Kagiso and Goodness came close to losing their first born child, Mvelo. When Kagiso made his now trademark family announcement, Brutus, who remains wary of Goodness, flung his hands in the air before letting them fall at his side, in apparent expression of resignation. Harriet too was concerned. She urged caution but Kagiso was adamant that he would ask Goodness to marry her.
In the end, Harriet and Noma helped Kagiso plan his outrageously romantic marriage proposal. Four seasons ago, when Brutus paid lobola for Goodness on behalf Shaka, he and the rest of the family came home to find Kagiso and Goodness stark naked and contaminating the family swimming pool with their bodily emissions. It was ironic, if not fitting that the marriage proposal took place at the swimming.
At a petal strewn table, with a violinist playing soft music, Kagiso got down on his knee and proposed. To nobody’s surprise, Goodness said yes.
Earlier, Kagiso had given Goodness his credit card with liberty to buy herself the best dress available. Goodness, who herself is a millionaire, was thrilled to get Kagiso’s credit card, proving that women love nice things, no matter their level of financial self sufficiency.
The wedding is off
When you mention a Mabuza marriage, you best expect the hilarious uncle Mziwoxolo to show up. Mziwoxolo is played by the immensely talented Vusi Thanda of Emzini Wezinsizwa fame. But the seasoned actor must have been unavailable because he sent his brother, Mzukusi (real name Martin Thanjekwayo) who was accompanied by three non speaking uncles. Brutus, who never liked Goodness from day one, cited African culture to back up his objection to having the bride’s family hold lobola talks at the groom’s house. Uncle Mziwoxolo’s home is currently being renovated so he could not welcome the Khoza lobola representatives to his home, hence the change of venue.
Brutus received the Mabuza uncles with his usual condescension and rudeness. When Brutus cranked up the rudeness dial to maximum, Uncle Mzukisi led his brothers out the door leaving the pleading Goodness and Harriet to run after them. It was Harriet who convinced the Mabuza uncles to return to the negotiation table.
After they sat down, negotiations proceeded with fewer interruptions from the still sour Brutus. After agreeing on the bride price, the Mabuzas gave their blessings to the union of Kagiso and Goodness.
Shots fired inside the Khoza mansion
The Khoza mansion, venue of three previous wedding disasters — Kamina and Kagiso, Shaka and Lindi, Kagiso and Siyanda where all three brides either died or went into a coma — was again the chosen location for Goodness and Kagiso’s wedding. The bride chose black, the colour of bad luck, the polar opposite of the traditional white, perhaps in acceptance of her past shenanigans in the swimming pool.
And it was her choice of wedding dress colour which probably invited misfortune.
As the couple stood face to face to exchange marriage vows before the Pastor, a stressed out looking Gertrude (real name Bathabile Mashigo) stormed the Khoza mansion with her pistol drawn. Only Allah knows how she got past the tight security. After rambling on about the Khozas killing her family— remember Sixteen and Gertrude’s father who were killed by the Khozas in the search for Mvelo – Gertrude let off a shot aimed at Goodness. The wedding guests screamed. Three million viewers gasped. Shaka crept behind Gertrude and disarmed her. The bride was unharmed, thank Goodness – see what I did there? After Gertrude was chauffeur driven from the premises in a police car — probably because there were too many witnesses for the Khozas to deal with her the Hlase way — the wedding went ahead. Goodness officially became Mrs Khoza and, again, thank Goodness she becomes the first Khoza bride to make it through her wedding day without a scratch on her.
But Goodness didn’t dodge all the possible bullets. When Uncle Brutus, who customarily begins his drinking way ahead of everyone else, gave his wedding reception speech, he reminded everyone of the shameful Kagiso-Goodness-Shaka swimming pool incident. Something tells me he will be first to tell Mvelo about this, the moment she is old enough to comprehend the words “naked” and “swimming pool”.
Thato rejects his new “uncle”
They say boys are never quick to accept their mother’s new boyfriends. Jerry Maake was like a father to Thato. It therefore follows that his wife Vuyiswa became a mother figure.
Vuyiswa and Hector were trying to keep their relationship a secret in order to avoid the inevitable gossip about the “shameless widow who moved on too soon after her husband’s death.” But their secrecy pact was ruined when Thato walked in on them at the Maake house.
Thato became moody and avoided Vuyiswa. When he finally spoke to Vuyiswa it was a booze induced rant about him “feeling all alone” (as if his friends Schumacher and Mjekejeke are chopped liver) which he regretted the following morning. Thato apologized to Vuyiswa. It remains to be seen if Thato meant it when he said Vuyiswa “deserves happiness.”
I’m with Thato on this one. Jerry has only been dead for less than eight months. And for Vuyiswa to replace him with a murderous drug dealer is like defiling the public swimming pool.
But this is television, where everything is acceptable, right.
Till next week, my pen is capped.
The Queen airs weekdays at 9:00pm on Mzansi Magic and is also available on Showmax and DSTV catch-up.
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