Remember the times Shaka and Brutus teased Kagiso for being childless and single?
“Awuna mfazi, awuna kati…”
This week, as preparations for Siyanda’s big day went full steam ahead – for the first time without super party planner, Keabetswe – there was some hope that Sgaqagaqa would finally be a husband and father. There was even a slim chance that fiancée Siyanda might get him a dog and a cat! But this was a Khoza wedding, and none of them end well. More on that later.
At first she didn’t believe his advances were genuine. Then she had him pretend to be her boyfriend just to silence the suspicious Vuyiswa. But, eventually, she began to develop genuine feelings for him. And that’s when things went wrong. Skhali has offered many surprises in the brief period he has been on The Queen. Who ever thought a sinister character such as he would decline the offer of sex?
“I don’t believe in sex before marriage.”
How righteous, for a man who breaks people’s legs for a living.
Despite claiming to love Georgina, Skhali also pointed a gun at his almost father-in-law, Mjekejeke, during his search for an errant debtor. Mjekejeke who, minutes before Skhali’s arrival, had been threatening to go Zulu on the loan shark and beat him with his induku, suddenly lost his powers of speech in the face of the scary mashonisa.
What happens when a man has serious intentions with a woman? Meet the family of course. Skhali makes a living from the suffering of the bankrupt and desperate. He probably commits a crime every day; assault, extortion, grievous bodily harm and maybe even murder. So nobody expected him to be the son of a Bishop. And when Mam Bishop issued a disapproving assessment of Georgina, Skhali gave her the breakup speech.
“If my mother doesn’t like you, then it’s not gonna work.”
Ordinarily, Georgina would have cried on Schumacher’s shoulder – he being every girl’s BFF at the moment – but he was busy supporting Siyanda on her big day. So it was upon Thato that Georgina unloaded her sorrow. To cheer her up, Thato showed her a recent news headline. Georgina made the headlines for her sterling work as a security guard. But this is one of those rare occasions when excelling at work is bad news.
When good work gets you in trouble
At the Maake residence, Jerry stared – aghast – at Georgina’s photograph in the newspaper. Except the story referred to her by a completely different name – Thando Mbele – Georgina’s ploy to evade detection by her Tembisa police workmates. To add paraffin to an inferno, Georgina is already in trouble with her police bosses for the employee award she received at the security company where she has been secretly working. They say cream rises to the top. And everyone knows that the cream is beaten into cheese. Instead of celebrating her work success, Georgina can expect a figurative beating soon.
Welcome Kuli Roberts
They were friends in their younger days. But Mildred Sefatsa married into money so Vuyiswa – the wife of a humble cop – was panicking over preparations for their reunion. She brought out her best crockery, decorated the table with flowers and looked stunning in a floral sheath dress that would have made Harriet Khoza look shabby. But judging by Milly’s behaviour, it looks like Vuyiswa’s life isn’t so bad. No sooner than her old friend walk through the door did she begin lusting after Jerry and Thato. If there is a rich husband back home, she can’t be that satisfied with him.
DID YOU KNOW
— Mr Write✪ ™ (@jerazw) June 15, 2020
When Goodness shut the door in his face, Kagiso went from disinterested fiancé to an involved groom who caters to his future wife’s every need. He served beverages to Siyanda and her BFF, Schumacher and even helped pick a wedding cake, although he was stupid enough to choose carrot cake! Who does that? Carrot cake, for a wedding. The best part was when he hired a designer for a custom made wedding dress rather than picking one off the rack.
In-between wedding arrangements, Siyanda, assisted by Schumacher, was plotting a second pregnancy to replace the baby lost through a miscarriage. Although Siyanda had a magic potion of sorts to put herself back into mating readiness, thanks to Schumacher’s dodgy nurse friend, she was unable to lure Kagiso back into her bed. The resourceful Schumacher found another concoction, this one meant to make her irresistible to Kagiso. But Brutus unwittingly drank the arousal-inducing muthi and had to rush off to the bhusha to quench his sudden thirst.
Not to sound monotonous but Siyanda really is like a pit-bull with a burglar’s ankle in its jaw. Channelling all her dogged determination, she got more muthi to give to Kagiso. She was stunning in white, the garden wedding scene looking idyllic with Perspex chairs, flower arrangements and well-dressed invitees, most notably Uncle Brutus in his signature black and white fedora hat.
And then Kagiso chose this fairytale setting to develop a case of cold feet. Under the pretext of calming him, Siyanda, ignoring Schumacher’s strict instructions to only use one drop, poured a huge glug-glug of muthi into a shot of whiskey. She was like Eve with the forbidden fruit, handing him the potion.
“Drink, my love. Drink, for the baby.”
And since Biblical times, men have never been able to resist a sweet tongue. Kagiso was a ball of nerves of course, so he drank up. Despite her skills for scheming, Siyanda was stupid enough to let Kagiso out of her sight. He vanished somewhere and a search party had to be called to find him. The Khozas found him sprawled on the bottle strewn wine cellar, drunker than a shebeen queen. Dingane walked him, on unsteady legs, to the pulpit where he stood swaying as his bride approached.
Things got worse when the priest invited the bride and groom to say their vows. In vino veritas – in wine there is truth. Kagiso threw up all the truths he had held back. Right before an open jawed audience, he told Siyanda that he had only “settled for her” because Goodness had gone. Or was she?
Siyanda gathered her long white dress and bolted indoors. As she cried alone in her room, Goodness showed up. Gunshot.
For the fourth time on The Queen, an ambulance was called to a Khoza wedding. Nobody knew for sure if Siyanda died, but judging by the valedictory tweet posted by Cindy Mahlangu, this may be the end for her character. At a time when The Queen had lost its flavour, Siyanda gave viewers something to look forward to. If she really is gone, she will be missed.
Enter stage right – Shaka Khoza
Kagiso has been unlucky in love. This was his second bride to get shot just before she said I do, remember Kamina? As Kagiso sat, drinking alone at night, an indistinct figure – a blur of black leather – appeared before his inebriated eyes. Shaka? What? Naw, it can’t be! We buried you Shaka. But it was the brother he thought he had killed. Before Kagiso could focus on the moving figure – bam!
A mule kick sent him to sleep. When Kagiso regains consciousness, someone will have to tell him… King Shaka is back and 1 600 000 viewers were glued to their televisions.
Till next week, my pen is capped
The Queen airs week days on Mzansi Magic, DSTV.
Images from Twitter